Last week, I found myself in a situation that only a series of heartfelt jokes could remedy. My best friend’s birthday was coming up, and I wanted to lift their spirits after a tough week. A few heartfelt jokes later, we were both in stitches, reminding each other that laughter is indeed the best medicine. Here are some jokes that warm the heart while tickling the funny bone!
1. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
A: Because it was already stuffed!
2. What do you call a friend who’s always on your side?
A: A “pal-indrome”!
3. Why did the moon break up with the sun?
A: Because it needed space!
4. How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
5. What do you call a hug that’s too tight?
A: A bear hug!
6. Why did the cookie cry?
A: Because its mom was a wafer (away for) so long!
7. What did the candles say to the birthday cake?
A: “We’re going to have a light time!”
8. Why did the computer go to therapy?
A: It had too many bytes of data weighing it down!
9. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
A: Because you can see right through them!
10. What did one heart say to the other?
A: “You make my heart skip a beat!”
11. Why are cheetahs bad at playing hide and seek?
A: Because they’re always spotted!
12. What did the tree say to the math book?
A: “You’re full of problems, but I can help you grow!”
13. Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: Because it was two-tired!
14. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
A: “Dam!”
15. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
16. How do you make a tissue dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it!
17. What do you call fake spaghetti?
A: An impasta!
18. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
A: He had no body to go with!
19. What did the globe say to the map?
A: “You make me feel all spun around!”
20. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one!
Classic Puns
1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything!
2. What do you call a factory that makes good products?
A: A satisfactory!
3. Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: It was two-tired!
4. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!
5. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted!
6. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A: Frostbite!
7. Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks?
A: In case he got a hole in one!
8. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An investigator!
9. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field!
10. What do you call a pile of cats?
A: A meow-tain!
11. Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: It had a virus!
12. What do you call a dog magician?
A: A labracadabrador!
13. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will let it go!
14. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
A: Nothing, they just waved!
15. Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems!
16. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
17. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room?
A: The living room!
18. Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
19. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a dog?
A: Frosty paws!
20. How does a penguin build its house?
A: Igloos it together!
Animal Antics
1. Why did the cat sit on the computer?
A: Because it wanted to keep an eye on the mouse!
2. What do you call a dog with a smartphone?
A: A golden receiver!
3. Why did the elephant bring a suitcase to the zoo?
A: Because it wanted to pack its trunks!
4. What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A: An investigator!
5. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
6. What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A: A pouch potato!
7. How do you organize a space party for animals?
A: You planet with tigers and bears!
8. What’s a cat’s favorite color?
A: Purr-ple!
9. Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish!
10. What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
A: Sofishticated!
11. Why did the cow go to outer space?
A: To see the moooon!
12. What’s a dog’s favorite instrument?
A: The trom-bone!
13. Why did the frog take the bus to work?
A: His car got toad away!
14. How does a cat end a fight?
A: They hiss and make up!
15. What kind of dog loves indulging in a bath?
A: A shampoo-dle!
16. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
17. Why did the chicken join a band?
A: Because it had the drumsticks!
18. What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A: A pork chop!
19. How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut!
20. Why was the cat sitting on the computer?
A: It wanted to keep an eye on the mouse!
Dad Jokes
1. Why did the dad bring a ladder to the bar?
A: Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
2. How do dads organize a space party?
A: They planet weeks in advance!
3. Why did the dad joke get kicked out of the restaurant?
A: Because it was too cheesy!
4. What’s a dad’s favorite way to communicate?
A: O-sms!
5. Why did the dad sit on his clock?
A: He wanted to be on time!
6. How do you know if a dad is a good gardener?
A: He has thyme on his hands!
7. Why did the dad join a gym?
A: To get rid of his dad bod, but he still skips leg day!
8. Why don’t dads play hide and seek?
A: Because good luck hiding when you can’t stop laughing at their puns!
9. What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato?
A: “Catch up!”
10. Why did the dad take a pencil to bed?
A: Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
11. How do you make a dad smile?
A: Just tell him a really bad pun!
12. Why do dads always carry a pencil behind their ear?
A: In case they need to draw attention!
13. What do you call a group of musical dads?
A: A pop-father band!
14. Why did the dad install a knocker on his front door?
A: So he could win a knock-knock joke contest!
15. Why did the dad refuse to pay for the fast food?
A: Because he thought it was too slow for him!
16. What did the dad say when he couldn’t find his keys?
A: “I guess I’ll have to use my dad-ductive skills!”
17. Why did the dad take a nap on the couch?
A: He needed to recharge his dad batteries!
18. What do you call a dad who can’t stop telling jokes?
A: A pun-derful parent!
19. Why did the dad apply for a job at the bakery?
A: Because he kneaded the dough!
20. How did the dad make his coffee?
A: With a whole latte love!
Knock-Knock Delights
1. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Cow says.
A: Cow says who?
Q: No silly, cow says moooo!
2. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Lettuce.
A: Lettuce who?
Q: Lettuce in, it’s freezing out here!
3. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Atch.
A: Atch who?
Q: Bless you!
4. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Olive.
A: Olive who?
Q: Olive you and I miss you!
5. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Orange.
A: Orange who?
Q: Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
6. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Tank.
A: Tank who?
Q: You’re welcome!
7. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Boo.
A: Boo who?
Q: Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!
8. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Butter.
A: Butter who?
Q: Butter open up before I freeze out here!
9. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Harry.
A: Harry who?
Q: Harry up, the party’s starting!
10. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Ya.
A: Ya who?
Q: I’m just excited to see you!
11. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Nanna.
A: Nanna who?
Q: Nanna your business!
12. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Dishes.
A: Dishes who?
Q: Dishes the police, open up!
13. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: A little old lady.
A: A little old lady who?
Q: I didn’t know you could yodel!
14. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Broken pencil.
A: Broken pencil who?
Q: Never mind, it’s pointless!
15. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Boo who.
A: Boo who?
Q: Can’t you see I’m crying?
16. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Harry.
A: Harry who?
Q: Harry up, it’s getting late!
17. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Snow.
A: Snow who?
Q: Snow use, I forgot my name!
18. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Cash.
A: Cash who?
Q: No thanks, I prefer peanuts!
19. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Cow says.
A: Cow says who?
Q: No silly, cow says moooo!
20. Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Peanut butter.
A: Peanut butter who?
Q: Peanut butter’s not my name, but you can call me that!
Witty One-Liners
1. I told my computer I needed a break.
A: Now it won’t stop sending me “logout” reminders!
2. I used to play piano by ear.
A: Now I use my hands like everyone else!
3. I wanted to lose weight, so I went to the store.
A: Now I can’t find my scale!
4. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
A: Now I just loaf around!
5. I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
A: She looked surprised!
6. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
A: So I floured my choices!
7. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity.
A: It’s impossible to put down!
8. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
A: She looked shocked!
9. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field!
10. I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.
A: She whispered, “They’re right behind you!”
11. I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
A: It was just gathering dust!
12. I used to work in a blanket factory,
A: But it folded!
13. I cleared a path in the woods.
A: No one ever walks in the dead leaves!
14. I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.
A: He replied, “How about I teach you how to walk first?”
15. I told my mom I was going to start a bakery.
A: She said it would be a “roll” model!
16. I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
A: It’s just so good at keeping me cool!
17. I forgot how to throw a boomerang.
A: But I’m sure it will come back to me!
18. I always take out my frustrations on my calendar.
A: I just want to keep my days numbered!
19. I went for a walk and met a tree.
A: It was quite a “branching” conversation!
20. I told my computer I needed a break.
A: Now it won’t stop doing updates!
Silly Questions
1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything!
2. What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
A: Live stream!
3. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one!
4. What did one wall say to the other?
A: “I’ll meet you at the corner!”
5. Why did the math book look sad?
A: Because it had too many problems!
6. How does a penguin build its house?
A: Igloos it together!
7. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
8. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
A: He just couldn’t see himself doing it!
9. What’s a computer’s favorite snack?
A: Microchips!
10. Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: Because it was two-tired!
11. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
A: They don’t have the guts!
12. What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A: A pouch potato!
13. How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
14. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
A: It was just two-tired!
15. What did one ketchup bottle say to the other?
A: “Catch up!”
16. Why can’t you play hide and seek with mountains?
A: Because they always peak!
17. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
18. Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed!
19. What is Forrest Gump’s password?
A: 1forest1!
20. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: Because it felt crummy!
Food Fun
1. Why don’t eggs tell each other secrets?
A: Because they might crack up!
2. Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
3. What do you call fake noodles?
A: An impasta!
4. Why was the mushroom invited to every party?
A: Because he was a real fun-gi!
5. How does a cucumber become a pickle?
A: It goes through a jarring experience!
6. Why did the orange stop?
A: It ran out of juice!
7. What kind of music do cheese lovers listen to?
A: R & Brie!
8. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything—especially sandwiches!
9. Why did the chef break up with his girlfriend?
A: She just didn’t have the thyme for him!
10. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
11. Why was the cookie sad?
A: Because his mom was a wafer (away for) so long!
12. Why was the grape upset?
A: Because it couldn’t find its bunch!
13. How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: With tomato paste!
14. What did the sushi say to the bee?
A: Wasabi!
15. Why did the carrot get an award?
A: Because it was outstanding in its field!
16. What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump?
A: A hesitator!
17. Why did the coffee file a police report?
A: It got mugged!
18. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a carrot?
A: Eye-tertainment!
19. Why shouldn’t you fight with a broken bread roll?
A: Because you might get crumby!
20. What do you call a fish without eyes?
A: Fsh!
Misunderstood Quotes
1. I once read a quote that said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
A: So I took a shot of espresso instead!
2. “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans,” they say.
A: I guess that’s why my plans keep disappearing!
3. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
A: But it doesn’t keep my cravings away at midnight!
4. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”
A: So I guess my schedule is just a little too grounded!
5. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
A: Unless it’s a weightlifting competition!
6. “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
A: Just make sure it’s not a step on a Lego!
7. “You only live once.”
A: But if you do it right, once is enough—unless there’s dessert!
8. “The early bird catches the worm.”
A: But the second mouse gets the cheese!
9. “Everything happens for a reason.”
A: Like when I accidentally put salt in my coffee; that’s just seasoning for life!
10. “The grass is always greener on the other side.”
A: But it’s probably just over-fertilized!
11. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
A: Unless those lemons are really sour—then make a margarita!
12. “If you can dream it, you can do it.”
A: Unless it’s flying; then you’re going to need some wings!
13. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”
A: Just make sure that beholder has glasses!
14. “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
A: Especially if the rooster is up to something!
15. “A penny saved is a penny earned.”
A: But I think I’ll just save it for the penny arcade!
16. “You can’t judge a book by its cover.”
A: But a good cover can definitely get my attention!
17. “Laughter is the best medicine.”
A: Unless you have a headache; then it’s just a side effect!
18. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
A: Especially if they owe you money!
19. “All you need is love.”
A: And maybe a little chocolate on the side!
20. “The best things in life are free.”
A: Like bad puns—at least I hope they are!
Relationships and Love
1. What did the calculator say to the pencil?
A: You can count on me to love you forever!
2. Why did the girl bring a ladder on her date?
A: She heard the guy was a real catch, and she wanted to take their love to new heights!
3. What did one lovebird say to the other?
A: “You’re just my type; let’s wing it together!”
4. How do you organize a romantic date?
A: You plan it with “agape” love!
5. Why do scientists like relationships?
A: They’re always trying to find a reaction!
6. What did the heart say to the brain?
A: “You may be smart, but I lead with feelings!”
7. Why did the couple break up at the ballet?
A: They just couldn’t find their rhythm together!
8. What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweet hearts!
9. Why did the man propose at the park?
A: He wanted to say he found his “a-maze-ing” partner!
10. What did one romantic candle say to the other?
A: “I’m burning for you!”
11. How do you know when a relationship is going south?
A: It starts to get “down-spirited!”
12. What do you call a romantic who gets lost?
A: A “heart” gone wandering!
13. Why do lovers always carry a pencil?
A: In case they need to draw a little closer!
14. What did the fishing rod say to the fisherman?
A: “You really reel me in!”
15. Why are relationships like algebra?
A: Because you look at your X and wonder why!
16. What did the chocolate say to the peanut butter?
A: “You complete me!”
17. How do you find Mr. or Ms. Right?
A: Just follow your heart; it has the best directions!
18. Why did the ghost go out with the witch?
A: He found her “boo”-tiful!
19. What do you call a romantic who loves math?
A: A “two-tangent” lover!
20. How do couples in love count their blessings?
A: They use “hearts” instead of numbers!