Last Saturday, I found myself lounging on the couch, flip-flopping between binge-watching my favorite show and contemplating the energy required to move. I chuckled at the thought of the weekend transforming even the most diligent workers into laid-back, joke-cracking comedians. It got me thinking about the joy of sharing a laugh with friends and family, so here are some jokes to bring a smile as you kick off your weekend!
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
2. What do you call fake spaghetti?
An impasta!
3. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
4. How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
5. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
6. Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired!
7. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!
8. How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience!
9. Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All of the fans left!
10. What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner!
11. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
12. What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
13. Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems!
14. What do you call a factory that makes good products?
A satisfactory!
15. Why shouldn’t you fight with a rain cloud?
It’ll storm out on you!
16. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go!
17. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
“Hey, bud!”
18. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy!
19. What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows!
20. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!
Classic one-liners
1. I told my computer I needed a break.
Now it won’t stop sending me to the beach!
2. I used to play piano by ear.
Now I use my hands!
3. The early bird might get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese!
4. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana!
5. I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I’m slowly getting over it!
6. I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on.
Then it “clicked!”
7. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
8. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space!
9. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug!
10. I wanted to lose weight, so I went to the ATM.
I just withdrew all my worries!
11. To the guy who invented zero,
thanks for nothing!
12. I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you!”
13. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts!
14. I used to be a baker,
but I couldn’t make enough dough!
15. The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray
is a seasoned veteran!
16. I got kicked out of the library for talking too loud.
I guess I just couldn’t hold it in any longer!
17. I have a pun about chemistry,
but I’m afraid it will get a reaction!
18. Why did the math teacher go to the beach?
To catch some rays!
19. I’m on a whiskey diet.
I’ve lost three days already!
20. I used to be indecisive.
Now I’m not so sure!
Puns for the pun lovers
1. I wanted to learn how to juggle,
but I got distracted by the balloons!
2. I used to be a baker,
but I couldn’t make enough dough!
3. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang,
but eventually, it came back to me!
4. I named my dog “Five Miles,”
so I can say I walk Five Miles every day!
5. I asked the librarian for a book on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you!”
6. I used to be a banker,
but I lost interest!
7. My friend didn’t believe me when I said I could make a homeless man’s bed.
But I did – I made a sheet of it!
8. I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Now I’m more than a “fan” of it!
9. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug!
10. I once knew a guy who had a job at a calendar factory.
He got fired for taking a day off!
11. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying!
12. Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged!
13. I went to buy some camo pants
but couldn’t find any!
14. I’d tell you a chemistry joke,
but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction!
15. When I see the old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I go over and help her!
It’s just a matter of principle!
16. The other day I told my computer
I needed a break – now it won’t stop sending me to the beach!
17. I used to play piano by ear.
Now I use my hands!
18. I used to be a programmer.
But I didn’t get arrays!
19. I saw an ad for burial plots,
and I thought to myself, “That’s the last thing I need!”
20. I couldn’t figure out how to pay my taxes,
but then I decided to just file a return!
Jokes for kids
1. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because it was already stuffed!
2. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus!
3. Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
4. How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
5. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
6. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go!
7. What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
8. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school?
Because he wanted to go to high school!
9. What is a magician’s favorite type of exercise?
Hocus pocus!
10. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose!
11. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A labracadabrador!
12. Why did the girl bring a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains!
13. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite!
14. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well!
15. What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious!
16. Why was the broom late?
It swept in!
17. How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
18. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
19. Why did the cookie cry?
Because its mom was a wafer (away for) too long!
20. What’s brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation!
Silly riddles
1. What has keys but can’t open locks?
A piano!
2. What has to be broken before you can use it?
An egg!
3. I’m tall when I’m young,
and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
A candle!
4. What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
A clock!
5. What gets wetter as it dries?
A towel!
6. What has one eye but can’t see?
A needle!
7. What begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it?
A teapot!
8. What is full of holes but still holds water?
A sponge!
9. What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
A stamp!
10. What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
11. What has words but never speaks?
A book!
12. What has wings but can’t fly?
A potato!
13. What runs around the yard without moving?
A fence!
14. What has many teeth but cannot bite?
A comb!
15. What has an eye but does not see?
A hurricane!
16. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
17. You see a boat filled with people. It has not sunk, but when you look again you don’t see a single person on the boat. Why?
Because all the people were married!
18. What gets bigger the more you take away?
A hole!
19. What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?
Silence!
20. What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive?
A glove!
Knock-knock jokes
1. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s freezing out here!
2. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you and I miss you!
3. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome!
4. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you!
5. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!
6. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No silly, cows go moo!
7. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and answer the door!
8. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
Butter open the door before I come in!
9. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police, open up!
10. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!
11. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body home?
12. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
No bell, that’s why I knocked!
13. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Llama.
Llama who?
Llama tell you another joke!
14. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later!
15. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo who?
Boo who?
Why are you crying? It’s just a joke!
16. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peas.
Peas who?
Peas let me in, I’m freezing!
17. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cow says.
Cow says who?
No silly, cow says moo!
18. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Vincent.
Vincent who?
Vincent van Gogh, and I’ve come to paint your door!
19. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!
20. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Jokes for parents
1. Why did the parent bring a ladder to the bar?
Because they heard the drinks were on the house!
2. Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!
3. How do you organize a space party as a parent?
You planet around nap times!
4. Why don’t parents play hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding when they find you first!
5. What did the parent say when the children asked for a pet snake?
You’ve got to scale it back a bit!
6. Why did the kid bring string to school?
To tie up their loose ends in homework!
7. What’s a parent’s favorite musical instrument?
The parent-heses!
8. Why did the mom sit on the clock?
She wanted to be on time for everything!
9. How do parents stay calm while cooking?
They whisk it all in a bowl of serenity!
10. What do you call a parent who always forgets to take the trash out?
A scrap-mentalist!
11. Why do parents never play cards?
Because they’re afraid of the bad hands they might get!
12. What did the kids say when they saw their dad dancing?
“Dad, that’s not how you ‘swed’ it!”
13. Why did the parent bring a pencil to the party?
Because they wanted to draw a good time!
14. What’s a parent’s favorite dessert?
Any pie that is “a-ced” with love!
15. Why did the kid tell their parent to go to space?
So they could find their “rocket” balance!
16. What did the parent say at the beach?
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!”
17. Why do parents have trouble telling jokes?
Because they always end up in a punchline of a parenting story!
18. What did the toddler say when the parent asked them to clean their room?
“Whoa, I’m in the middle of a ‘crumble’!”
19. How do parents make decisions?
With a lot of “what ifs” and a pinch of “because I said so!”
20. Why did the dad joker travel to the bakery?
Because he heard there were great “knead-to-know” jokes there!
Light-hearted dad jokes
1. I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something!
2. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!
3. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
4. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!
5. Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!
6. How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
7. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts!
8. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
9. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
10. Why was the broom late?
It swept in!
11. How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
12. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
13. What do you call fake spaghetti?
An impasta!
14. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go!
15. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A labracadabrador!
16. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy!
17. What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner!
18. What do you call a factory that makes good products?
A satisfactory!
19. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam!
20. Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
Jests for friends
1. Why did the friend bring a ladder to the bar?
Because they heard the drinks were on the house!
2. Why don’t friends tell secrets on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!
3. What did one friend say to the other before starting a gardening career?
“Let’s grow together!”
4. Why did the friend stare at the can of orange juice?
Because it said “concentrate”!
5. Why did the friend sit on the clock?
They wanted to be on time for fun!
6. What do you call a friend who tells puns?
A pun-derful companion!
7. Why did the cookie cry?
Because its friend was a wafer (away for) too long!
8. Why don’t friends ever play hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding when they know all your spots!
9. What’s a friend’s favorite game?
Backgammon, because they love to roll together!
10. Why did the friend avoid the big parties?
Because they couldn’t stand the “hype”!
11. What did the social butterfly say to their friend?
“Let’s wing it and go out!”
12. Why did the musician’s friends get lost?
Because they couldn’t find their “note”!
13. What do you call a friend who loves to garden?
A blooming buddy!
14. How do friends celebrate a successful fishing trip?
They throw a “good catch” party!
15. Why did the computer break up with its friend?
There wasn’t enough space in the relationship!
16. What’s a friend’s favorite fruit?
A “peach,” because they’re always sweet!
17. Why did the friend bring a pencil to a party?
So they could draw a crowd!
18. What do you call a friend at the beach?
A wave-maker!
19. How do friends keep up with their workouts?
They always “weight” for each other!
20. Why did the friend take a ladder to the movies?
Because they heard the snacks were “top shelf”!
Seasonal jokes for holidays
1. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
2. Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
It needed to get a trim!
3. What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I-scream!
4. Why was the Thanksgiving turkey so proud?
Because it was stuffed!
5. Why do ghosts love parties?
Because they get to lift everyone’s spirits!
6. What do you call a reindeer with bad manners?
Rude-olph!
7. What did the Easter egg hide?
Itself, of course!
8. Why did the Halloween skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!
9. What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
10. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman!
11. How do you greet a giant snowman?
With “Have an ice day!”
12. What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause!
13. Why did the ghost go to the party?
To boo-gie down!
14. What do you call a person who steals a Christmas tree?
A tree-thief!
15. Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
16. What do you call a cat on the beach during summer?
A purr-fect day!
17. Why don’t skeletons ever use cell phones?
They don’t have the guts!
18. How do you know if a vampire is sick?
Because they’re coffin!
19. What did the turkey say to the chicken?
“Relax, I’m just here for the stuffing!”
20. What do you call it when you’re a snowman and the sun comes out?
A meltdown!